Self-help principle #8:
Treat yourself with compassion, as you would someone else.Monks in the Middle Ages sometimes practiced self-flagellation. They lashed their bodies with whips to mortify the flesh. Oddly enough, they considered it an act of piety.
Before we shake our heads with revulsion at the practice, we should come to grips with a sobering reality: Many of us do something nearly equivalent. Today, there is a new form of self-flagellation -- beating up on oneself mentally. Here, the instrument of choice is thought rather than a whip.
Millions indulge in it. It is their response to a perceived failure. But beating up on yourself isn't going to solve anything. Especially if you're an anxiety sufferer. It will only deepen the problem, giving it greater breadth and energy.
Here's why: Beating up on yourself further lowers your self-image. And the low self-image, in turn, is a catalyst for anxiety. People who have irrational fears and worries often realize their concerns are unwarranted. But they simply don't trust their judgment enough to stop dwelling on the things that bother them. "Yes, there's probably nothing to worry about ... but ... what if I'm wrong?" So goes the inner dialogue. Sometimes they seek the reassurance of a credible person who tells them there isn't anything to worry about. That can afford temporary relief. But soon, the nagging doubts return.
A poor self-image feeds this process. The sufferer feels inadequate, and, therefore, lacks the self-confidence to dismiss these worries as baseless.
Such people can be especially merciless with themselves after a bout of anxiety. "I can't believe I was stupid enough to fall into it again." "I thought I was further along than this -- am I ever a failure." "I must be abnormal to be having this problem." "Here I went all day long with hardly any anxiety, and I allowed myself to start worrying again. What a fool."
If you are an anxiety sufferer, you may feel at the time that these self-beatings are justified. But if another person came to you and confessed having the same problem, you wouldn't respond with such torrents of insult. On the contrary, you would probably be tender. You would listen and try to help. Why can't you be as compassionate with yourself as you would be with others?
The answer, of course, is that you have through long practice learned the habit of negative self-talk. You have become a meticulous critic of yourself. You say inwardly, "I may have a problem with anxiety, but at least I punish myself for it. That must be worth something."
The time has come to displace the negatives with something constructive, something that will help you get out of the anxiety squirrel-cage. Here's the healthier way to respond:
"OK, I fell into anxiety again. That's nothing to get all worked up about. I have a weakness in this area. Everybody has weaknesses. This happens to be one of mine. But I know I can improve over time, and I'm just going to press forward and not let this setback trip me up. I'm not an inferior human being just because of this problem, nor is my struggle unique. Millions of other people deal with the same thing."
Put the mental whips away. Self-flagellation will not help you. It will only drag you down deeper and deeper. The Middle Ages are over. Be compassionate with yourself -- just as you would be with someone else.
