Self-help principle #9:
Realize that courage is not the absence of fear, but acting despite it.It's true that anxiety sufferers must treat themselves with kindness. Mental self-beatings only lower the self-image, which in turn gives anxiety a stronger foothold. It is crucial to be understanding with yourself when you are caught once again in that frustrating cycle of anxiety. You must give yourself permission to fail and fall.
Having said that, it is important to note a snare here. It is one thing to accept our failures -- to be compassionate with ourselves. It is quite another to handle ourselves like fragile birds' eggs. There is a time for us to be tough. It is appropriate to direct tough love toward ourselves. There is a time to rouse ourselves to courage, to act on principle rather than fear.
That, of course, is not the same thing as beating up on ourselves mentally. That unhealthy dialogue goes something like this:
"I got myself all anxious again. How irrational. How ridiculous. Only an idiot would fret like I do about such stupid things. Now I'm going to feel awful, and I'll never be able to do that thing I've been avoiding because of my fear. Now I guess I'll just stay home and draw the curtains."
The tough-love voice sounds much different:
"Well, I'm anxious again. Of course, it's just anxiety and it will pass. I don't expect to have these coping skills down pat already. It's going to take time to change my habits. And while I do give myself permission to fail -- to be less than perfect -- I recognize that IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE. It's time for me to step out and do some things that are uncomfortable. Even if I fail, I'm going to fail while trying. I can't go on avoiding. True, I may have to start small. Baby steps may be the best plan at first. But I am going to walk through that wall of fear. It has kept me boxed in long enough."
This inner voice calls us to courage rather than self-loathing. Courage is a misunderstood concept. It is not the absence of fear. On the contrary, courage prompts us to act despite fear -- sometimes overwhelming fear. If you are undertaking the work of recovery, you are doing something courageous. You are going up against a lifestyle that has long held you captive. That's courage.
One of the happy aspects of courage is that it begets more courage. When you act despite your fears, you raise the likelihood of doing so next time. Stepping out and walking through the fear will build self-esteem. And self-esteem will help you step out more and more often. Learn this skill and you can turn your fear into a paper tiger. But the first step depends upon YOU. Will you be cowed by the voices that tell you not to act, or will you act despite their forebodings?
It is time to take hold of yourself, to say, "Enough is enough, I'm moving forward." Acting on an inner courage, even a feeble and shaky courage, will set in motion the forces that lead to recovery.
